Unfortunate Events Master
by Susaga
Summary: i'm writing it! keep your pants on! Read and review.
1. bad beginning for 4

Disclaimer: I do not own this set of books.

Baudelaires, I'm sorry. But to any other reader, like Mr Snicket advised, you may like to go to another story. You may like to see another fan fiction section. The Harry Potter section sounds very good.

Anyway, I'm responsible for your demise. I am the Unfortunate Events Master and have been secretly trying to help you, but ended up making things worse. You have no idea how many times I will say I'm sorry in this chapter alone. Dismal, I know.

When I went past Count Olaf's house (if you can call it that), soot fell from the mansion's direction. Upset, I had to punch the first thing I saw. Then Count Olaf came back from the supermarket. You know what I did next.

It was too depressing to tell the Baudelaire orphans the news that I knew happened (my route from Olaf's and Briny Beach had the mansion in the middle) so I let banana-skilled banker (Mr Poe) do the talking. They had to go to the home of the stinky-footed no idea eyebrow solo tattoo twit.

I went to visit them one day, but if Olaf caught me, I'd be next to Sunny in a neighbouring cage. I might even be replacing Violet in a remake of his play. Disgusting. I know.

I saw Violet climb the tower to save Sunny. I didn't help because you were the type of person that could fight off an alien army from 3 planets. You could climb up a tower more than Klaus could read 12 books in 2 hours and a half, including toilet breaks and snacks. You could do it more than Sunny could cut a tree down with her four teeth alone.

On came 'The Marvellous Marriage', his "original" play. Knowing the Baudelaires were going to be in it, I watched it to see how they were doing. As the Baudelaires weren't being treated well, I took my 824 use stone skipper 3000.

After the "I do", once Olaf had been defeated, I used the stone skipper's 94th use, battering weapon. Someone bumped me and the stone attached to the wire hit the light switch instead.

I'm so sorry I let Mr. 'Nothing-for-brains' Poe tell them the news. I'm sorry for letting Olaf intimidate me. I'm sorry for letting Violet worry of falling back up in the tower.

I'm sorry for allowing the play finish. I'm sorry for missing Count Olaf and hitting the light switch. I'm sorry for writing a depressing story and posting it worldwide. I'm sorry for your misery. I'm sorry for everything.

Please, don't give a bad review. I've said sorry enough this chapter.


	2. Out of the Reptile Room

Lousy lane wasn't good after Stefano came and made me put dung in his bed. I may be unpleasant but I like making Olaf (here known as Stefano) make a fool of him…wait. He's doing it 24/7.

Anyway I won't say sorry so much this time. Stefano didn't drop that oil lamp on Uncle Monty's head, I took it off him using use 7, pull objects to you. I tripped on a misplaced toy Sunny had and the lamp got out my grasp and on Uncle Monty's head.

I mainly stayed on the roof, watching Stefano and going to the toilet in Stefano's suitcase. He used the urine to water the garden and poop as soil. No, really.

When Violet unlocked his suitcase, my waste collection became Stefano's. Once he escaped, I used the stone skipper's use number 302, travel on cars.

I followed him for five minutes when off came his number plate. It hit me in the face and my hand slipped onto the retreat button. I lost the trail of Olaf (he's no longer Stefano) and the number plate fell down a drain unfortunately.

I went back on the roof in time for the departure of the incredibly deadly viper, a real tear-jerker. I cried on Klaus.

"Is it raining?" said Klaus. Lemony Snicket didn't know he said that or violets reply.

"I don't think so" she replied. Then I thought of something. Olaf always will find them. So I would follow him to find the Baudelaire's and be able to go to the toilet in his suitcase. Again.


	3. Through the Wide Window

Why aren't there any reviews! I'm typing with my head as it's banging against the keyboard. This should be sad and I'm going nuts, so time for a tear.

I got out of his urine filled suitcase as he got out the car at Car Park Chilmore. And this just in, I got a review and am dancing randomly around the room.

Back to the story. I got into a door by door bread seller job for 1 day to be near the Baudelaires. I reached the Over Cliff Cottage (super scared screamer Aunt Josephine's house) to see her start to jump out the window. What a sham by Captain Sham. Good huh? Anyway, I said "push me and a stool out the window and make grammatical errors in the will to say a message of where you're going".

Confused of why I'd risk my own life for hers, she pushed me out with a stool and I used stone skipper use 307, life saver fall. I lived, but hovered over a leach filled abyss with my life-saving stone skipper 3000, 6 loafs of bread and a surfboard.

When the Baudelaires came to the sailboat renting site, the hurricane took me to the waters on my surfboard. I ate the bread to draw the leaches to me and save the Baudelaires for 6 hours.

After 2, the Baudelaires were safe and I went to end my Job, across the lake. Oops. I entered Hurricane Herman and checked my board was the double function one. Lucky me. And use 2 is shooting off of solid objects.

I never thought I'd be happy to be near leaches, but they let me fire myself out of the hurricane. The bread was digested and lost at sea. The rest was chance except the master of sham and smell, Captain Sham. I told him, hoping that everyone important lived. He let an extra live, him.

Off to wherever I was going next. I got rid of the manure in the suitcase so I was able to live in the already smelly suitcase for a while.


	4. Hardly a Miserible Mill scene

I think I'll do 2 every once in a while, even thirteen with my personal adventures making Olaf's plans to kill me.

I went to be a blind beggar with a cup for spare change. All I remember are the words 'Lucky' and 'Inordinate'.

Then I saw the mill instead of Dr Orwell and the optician. Dazed and confused, well, more dazed and confused than when the coconut hit my head, I took four steps towards the street.

This chapter is short because Olaf took me to the hospital when the van went off me.


	5. Mr Rombass' Guide To Theft

My computer hates me an awful lot. I can't write a chapter without it shutting down on me. It should say I'm sorry to earth.

I went to Prufrock Preparatory School to be with Violet or Klaus, not Carmelita Spats and Mr Rombass. He wrote a book called 'Mr Rombass' Guide to Theft' which I had to study. I started from 'Haggle Every Penny Possible' and continued onto 'Ways Of Faking Illness'. What's more unfair, Carmelita was best the in the class.

I was a late entry, so I had to catch up in Nero's recital, which I was half grateful for. The other half was "you lucky – ". The line was a word I would put in a T story.

Our gym teacher came and, because he was mean and not that he was Olaf (I don't know him off by heart), I put dung in his shoes while he was hidden by the bed sheet. His foot was visible so I peed on his turban too.

Mr Rombass was informed and thanks to Chapter 4 'Be A Bad Schoolboy' I was tested against Carmelita. If you face the troll girl Spats, know that 'Spats Spits'. I've done it again.

My task: Switch Nero's violin with chocolate and cheese string. I did 'Memento Mori' but hoped I didn't on the side of the school.

I didn't die or I wouldn't have written this story, but after I did the switch (commentary: he comes in the window, throws a stone at the door. Nero is coming to the door, he's making the switch. He narrowly jumped out the window) I hit the ground.

Chapter 10 'Wrap It Up With Injury' got me a b- but chapter 1 'Get Others To Do Your Dirty-Work' got Spats an A+.

The class result reports came after the Baudelaires got expelled, and my mark was a rare one, ZZZ----.

"Chapter 1" said Mr Rombass"Don't Betray a Villain until the Last Minute. Coach Genghis is a villain and you got none of his trust at all. The mark ZZZ---- is given correctly. It's so low, you're expelled".

Guess I had it coming. In my face. The spit I mean.


	6. Tragedy in the Ezrats Elevator

I was a bit late to get a job in the auction, like they would do it anyway. The door at the top slammed in my face. 66 floors were too high to walk down, so I went in a lift. Yes, I'm British.

At the bottom floor, the lift doors opened. Or at least, 1 set of doors did. Normally, if you wait, the doors of a lift close. No exception here.

Wondering what to do, I pushed button 66. I went in the other lift and, you get the idea.

"Why does this always happen to me" I said to myself, sadly. Then I noticed something. "Oh, the door's open. Oops".

I got out and touched the fire tongs. Ouch. And a note to reviewers, I'm the Unfortunate Events Master. This happens all the time. I fell off Uncle Monty's roof, slipped on a banana skin into a drain on the way to Briny Beech and once sneezed while depending on holding onto my Stone Skipper 3000 with 2 hands.

If you want to know my other tragedies, wait till chapter 14, next year. On to the story. At the end of the tunnel, a guy smoking flicked it into the tunnel. Cigarette burn, ouch.

I ran to the auction and when they tell you to look for cars coming before walking across the road, they think of the smart thing. You've heard enough tragedies now, until chapter 14.

How late was I. I was so late; the box was all that was left. But seeing the Very Pretty Dollies abandoned there, I knew they were looking for the group I'm in, V.F.D., not for me though.

I mean, even V.F.D. doesn't know me.


	7. aaaggghhh my hand! part 1

Outside the bank, I saw a piece of paper with towns, villages and cities including the Village of Fowl Devotees. They had to be there. What could it hurt? I've been there before I had my Stone Skipper 3000 in my pocket.

No-one told me I wasn't allowed my mechanical device in the Village of Fowl Devotees. I got told to take it out the village by an old guy in the street. I'd never leave my Stone Skipper somewhere because of its 824 uses.

I used use 823, ace speed getaway, to reach the Baudelaires and I hid in mechanical devices. He left tacos in his kitchen and I ate them.

I savoured every bite. I also took his meatballs, raviolis, carrots, bananas, potatoes, tacos with 3 pots of salsa, sandwiches mixes and bread to last for days and bags of heat only spag-bol.

They came for the air-balloon which I was on. No time to get off. I was on the area with cranberries.

In the air, the cranberries got shot, along with the area below my hand.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND" I cried so loud, France heard me at full volume.

The others in the Village of Fowl Devotees were too preoccupied to notice me scream. I fell and got on a van going to the hospital.

Took a long time to cure my hand.


	8. aaaggghhh! my hand! part 2

My hand hurt for ages, which was the length of time it took to get to the Hospital.

My cure was a surprisingly small tablet placed in the wound on my hand. It stung for three seconds, started to swell and it felt normal like it was good for a lifetime (it burned 43 times before).

44 is a bit too much, don't you think. My hand burned because the tablet makes flammable oil which caught fire in the hospital.

I ran like I was insane to first aid and the nearest was the one in book nine (I forget).


	9. aaaggghhh! my hand! part 3

I kept on running until I ran into a pole. I fell down expressing my pain, or saying "owowowowowowowow" repeatedly. I saw a sign saying "Madame Lulu at the Caligari Carnival. Recent reviews: 0 (it didn't say recent reviews; I just didn't get any recently).

I saw a caravan with the lights on and went for advice on how to heal my hand. She thought I could act in her freak show.

"No. Well then, take some of my non-flammable oil, please. It will burn for 20 minutes a day, please, but you may only use it in the morning, please, at sunrise under my (she went into a whisper) archival library, please. "

Dumbstruck at her idea, I hid behind the Baudelaires. It's odd they didn't see or hear me. If they did, I'd get three decent people yelling at me. But they did not. And I did not use an apostrophe this time.

Each morning I spent there, I used the spray and went "owowowowowowowow" for 20 minutes. I worked, please. I'm mocking, please. Hehehe!

I ate some of my meatballs for dinner and put the leftover gravy in his engine instead of oil. Some dripped on my left wrist.

I got in the fortune tent after the show for a nap when it caught fire, both the tent and my hand. At the speed of 934mph, I ran up the Mortmain Mountains.

Engraved in the ice was "Mortmain Mountains. Please drop a review sometimes." Obey this sign! Please.


	10. up the Mortmain Mountain

There's a song which is very accurate about my journey up the mountain. It goes like this:

He'll be coming round the mountain when he comes

He'll be coming round the mountain when he comes

He'll be coming round the mountain

Coming round the mountain

Coming round the mountain when he comes

He'll be riding 6 white horses when he comes (I actually did)

He'll be riding 6 white horses when he comes

He'll be riding 6 white horses

Riding 6 white horses

Riding 6 white horses when he comes

He'll be wearing pink pyjamas when he comes (again, I did)

He'll be wearing pink pyjamas when he comes

He'll be wearing pink pyjamas

Wearing pink pyjamas

Wearing pink pyjamas when he comes.

It ended there at the top of the mountain, looked down, saw Olaf and said "damn, went too high. I should be down there." I pointed to Olaf.

I jumped down to a ledge, saw the Baudelaires and said"damn, too low." I started to climb up when I saw Violet and Quigley Quagmire on the same ledge. Wait a minute, I got an idea:

Violet and Quigley sitting on a ledge,

In an hour they'll be pledged.

How good am I. Don't is reply and say "Bad", unless you can't help it. But if you do, say so.

I got to the frozen waterfall when it turned into a rushing waterfall. Here's the chorus of a song that reminded me of Violet and Quigley going down the waterfall:

Life is a road, I want to keep going,

Love is a river, I want to keep flowing,

Life is a road, now and forever wonderful journey.

I'll be there when the earth stops turning,

I'll be there when the storm is through,

In the end I want to be

At the beginning with you.

Was I allowed to do that? Please say yes, please.


	11. Outrageous Octopi

I slid down the waterfall to get speed that could make it past the Baudelaires without them noticing. Lucky for me, they're loss of Quigley made me pass unnoticed, I mean, was tragic. Phew.

I landed on the Queequeg and ran inside saying "the world is quiet here". I got into a diving suit and swam out to the sugar bowl as I put a tracker on its decoration.

I really should have told him where it was. Oh well. What should have been done should have been done. It moved away when I touched it. I got it to take up and, knowing my luck, send it by crow.

I got to the Baudelaires so I went into seaweed to wee. It took me a long time as when I got out, the Baudelaires were going back to the ship. I grabbed the sugar bowl and swan back to the Queequeg.

I got trapped by a large mechanical octopus arm. I wriggled to get out when my diving helmet came off and sank into the dark abyss. I just wriggled more vigorously for air. I shot out of the ocean onto the beach.

I sat on top of a taxi for breath. It started driving.


	12. disaster in denouement

I got onto the roof of the hotel Denouement for a sun bed-bed. At least I didn't ask for a sub-sub sun bed sun bed. Yes I'm going nuts.

The next day, I appeared to of magically change into a black outfit with a cape capable (not the time for boasting about cleverness) of picking up a small gust of wind and send me flying.

I got wind and I went flying. Then I saw a girl with a harpoon gun in her hands. She reminded me of a clever saying, Spats spits.

"Esme! Esme! A crow" she called. I turned around and noticed I did look like a crow. She sadly continued "I'm ready to shoot it down". Oh nuts!

She shot as Esme said "that isn't a crow dear. It's a cakesniffer". It hit my wound that had only just healed with the blizzard and ocean.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" I cried again at the same volume as on the self-sustaining mobile air-home. Annoyed, (can you blame me) I threw the harpoon at the roof. It hit a 37 pound weighing brick carrier who fell on me.

I was rushed to first aid for blood replacement and was given a tablet that was the same as the one given to me at Heimlich Hospital.

"That is flammable" I reported.

"Well, it's not like the hotel is going to burn to smithereens" he said, trying to comfort me.

How many times can my hand burn. I rushed to the ocean to cool me off when I got hit by a falling boat containing the Over Liked Awful Fool, also called Olaf.

I also lost my trousers as they were eaten by a duck. One of my stories in the Yu-Gi-Oh section contains the same duck.


End file.
